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Fighting To Breath
 
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Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in Desperation's LiveJournal:

Friday, November 14th, 2003
9:12 am
Don't know what to think...
Your Ultimate Purity Score Is...
CategoryYour Score Average
Self-Lovin'90%
Never taken out of the packaging
65.1%
Shamelessness97.6%
Has yet to see self in mirror
79.4%
Sex Drive 100%
77.7%
Straightness78.6%
Just go fuck something, okay?
45.1%
Gayness 76.8%
Repressed, are we?
83.2%
Fucking Sick99.1%
Refreshingly normal
89.9%
You are 90.54% pure
Average Score: 72.6%


The more you know about something, the less you are that. Please keep that in mind. Wow. I guess I still am pure... just a little gay.

Current Mood: blah

(give me a kiss)

Wednesday, November 12th, 2003
8:51 pm
To the last drop...
When I look into your eyes, my soul once again feels complete. It has been so long since I have felt something so great. It is hard to even put into words the way I feel right now. Just thinking about it, somehow, transform me into something new. I feel like a part of me, that I thought was long gone, is still here. I want to be myself and be accepted for it. You make me feel that way. When no one else is there, I want you there. You fill up my dreams... you fill up my heart. Could you say the same? Perhaps you, yourself, do not know the answer. Or maybe you haven't given it a thought? Where are you when I need you? I wish you were here to hold me... Just hold me... Once... So I could then know what it felt like to REALLY be in your arms...
I want... to see... your eyes... If only just your beautiful eyes...

(give me a kiss)

Monday, August 25th, 2003
11:38 am
I am like the wind...
It just screams Haruka to me. Oddly enough my sign, libra, is an air sign. In that sense, I am like the wind.

·•¤ What is YOUR element? ¤•·
·•¤ What is YOUR element? ¤•·


Current Mood: worried

(give me a kiss)

Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
7:47 am
Yay!
I just wanted to let you know...
Yeah, nothing. I got nothing. Heh.

(1 kisses | give me a kiss)

Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003
5:44 am
Cracks In The Wall
Bitter taste of blood
Rolling off my tongue
Pouring from my lips
Far off laughter
In the distance
That somehow comes from me
Echos off the cracks in the wall
Tearing down the place
Like an avalanche

(give me a kiss)

Monday, June 30th, 2003
9:52 pm
Can you understand it?
When I was growing up I was moved around a lot. It seemed when something was not going the way my mother wanted she would take us kids, what we could carry and leave. I moved around so much, lost so much and this was all before I was 10 years old. Abused and broken starting from age six. We left the house I grew up in, my friends, clothes and everything I knew.
I was in a Violent Shelter for abused woman and kids, yeah I knew my "dad" had a bad temper but I never knew what abuse was. Not until I was there. I saw woman with broken bones, bruises all over their face, I was scared. Is this what men did to woman they loved? Did they normally just hit their kids, their offspring? It was put into my head that it was okay to run when things got bad. I never really noticed I was doing what my mom did when I was growing up until not that long ago. Yet, I still do it. It is like, I do it without thinking about it. I just runaway. What I want to do now, is run. Just run far away without looking back, just to forget those bad feelings I can't explain.
Flashback to age 9:
This is when that weird feeling started. It is when I noticed weird behavior, I would sit quietly to observe. Weird smelling smoke, things that were like cigs, yet weren't. Drinking. Lots of drinking, and underage drinking. My mom, my cousin she was dating, my brother, his gf, and his thing on the side would sit around drinking and getting high. It happened a lot. Within a year or so living there this happened a lot. Personality changes, bad smells, and so much perversion. My mom watched porn with my brother Mark and his gf. She also swapped partners with one of friends. She slept with her husband, and the friend slept with my cousin. Us kids could hear what was going on and sometimes would wake up to naked people running around. I was only a child. My mom encouraged me to drink and the first time I thought about getting high was age 9, my mom offered it to me. You see, I didn't think anything of it. She was my mom, she loved me, it was okay to do this. Yet, I said no. Something in me said, this is not right. This is not love. Parents do not choose a lover over their own child, their flesh and blood they are supposed to be raising. parents do not just give their kid alcohol and tell them to smoke when they are that young.

But that is just the beginning sadly. A beginning to a story that has yet to even end.

Current Mood: confused

(4 kisses | give me a kiss)

Saturday, June 28th, 2003
10:43 am
Kill Me Now
Suck the life from me
Knock me to the floor
Crush me
Like you have before
Turn me down
Slash my wrists
Let the blood drip
All the way to the ground
Burn my body
As I'm alive
Give me so much pain
I won't dare try to survive
Hurt me
Like you do all the time
Everyday you do it
Feeding me the same old lies
Get a gun
Shoot me in the head
Toy with me
Give me torture
Until I am finally dead
Give me some release
From the life I lead
Cut me with a knife
So deep
That I do nothing but bleed
Take the air from my lungs
Choke the life out of me
Bitter taste like cyanide
Pretty face like a doll
You said you loved me
Then you lied
Nothing left for me
Take a sword
Tear me from limb to limb
Suffocation would be grand
How about you
Come and give me a hand
You broke my heart so many times
Now you run from me
As I gouge out my eyes
I am not all to blame
You most of all
Should be ashamed
Played with my mind
Kill me now
Finish me off
You already ruined the life I had
Why not take away
All that is left
Why leave me here
I'm still alive
Don't quit what you started
I'm supposed to die

Current Mood: crushed

(1 kisses | give me a kiss)

Wednesday, January 8th, 2003
7:20 pm
Gackt
Which of My Favorite J-Rocker's Asses Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

Current Mood: blank

(give me a kiss)

Sunday, January 5th, 2003
8:50 pm
My%20ideal%20mate%20is%20Aragorn!%20
Who is your Ideal Lord of the Rings (male) Mate?

brought to you by Quizilla


i can only hope it actually shows up! grrr.

Current Mood: cold

(1 kisses | give me a kiss)

Tuesday, June 25th, 2002
9:40 pm

(1 kisses | give me a kiss)

1:53 pm
.:~*~Melly~*~:. (1:25 PM) :
lol, that's so cute. i've fallen asleep on the phone before, too. ronnie keeps me up all the time. he's real open, though. (er, sometimes. other times you gotta piss him off and make him talk.)
nope. only had this site, ever since i started Xanga. :)

(1 kisses | give me a kiss)

Saturday, June 22nd, 2002
2:03 pm
Misty says:
He told me that he thinks you're too possesive, that you're way too clingy. He says he feels like you're trying to smuther him with affection. He says he doesn't even like to be touched or take about things and that's all you want to do. That sometimes he just wishes you'd go away for a few days and then talk to him and only then for an hour and then disappear for a while more.

(give me a kiss)

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